“I am Sushmitha and I love to smile. But where is my freedom to smile?”
“I was 14 when I went to a shop near my house with my elder sister. I was walking down the street; carefree with a bounce in my steps, smiling at a funny memory, when I think, a boy passed by us. I felt my sister stiffen and she muttered angrily, “Why are you smiling at that boy?”. I was jolted out of my happy, carefree childhood. I asked, surprised, “Which boy, where?”. My sister elaborated, “Being a girl you should not smile or laugh on the streets; else you will invite trouble”.
This incident, shared by Sushmitha BN on #UnmutewithDreamaDream (A monthly podcast by Dream a Dream) speaks about the set of rules laid down specifically for girls and women in a patriarchal society. Girls are told to adhere to a societal code of conduct which often curtails their freedom of choice. There are many women in India who face discrimination and accept it without a question. When asked why, they respond dejectedly “Ladki hoon na”. Questioning elders following discriminatory norms in the Indian society is considered a sign of disrespect and is never encouraged, more so if the one asking the question is not male. Girls who don’t raise their voice, or question are proudly known as examples of a “good girl”.
“I felt angry, disappointed, confused, upset at this unexpected outburst from my sister. Once these powerful emotions subsided, I started thinking deeply…what will happen if I smile when I want to smile; wherever I want to? My smile is not an invitation for others; it is my expression of happiness. I grew restless as I observed countless other unquestioned discriminatory practices around me. I was bubbling with questions but did not know whom to ask. Most answers that my parents gave were things they heard from their parents and elders that revolved around tradition, custom, culture and uncontested norms. I don’t know why I have to follow a different code of conduct from boys in my family.”
“We girls are stopped from following our dreams and passion, if we don’t fall into the traditional gender role prescribed for us. I love to dance, but was told not to pursue training in it because of the objections that people in my community will raise. We are afraid to say NO to restrictions placed upon us.”
Sushmita’s reluctance to pursue her passion in many ways echoes what has now become endemic in India. Young women who want to pursue careers or their passions either opt to let go of their dreams or are asked to sacrifice their dreams for the larger interests of their family’s pride and honour. According to World Bank data released in June 2020, India’s female labour force participation (FLFP) is the lowest in South Asia. Women’s work in household and informal economy is unrecognized and under-reported, thus increasing their risk of exploitation.
More than 80 per cent of Indian legal framework has measures that promote and enforce gender equality. Still, India ranks 140th out of 156 countries in the Global Gender Gap Index, 2021. In a society that continues to define success with economic prosperity, “successful” women are judged too, for being “too ambitious” and neglecting their family. The representation of women in decision making roles is dismal. As of February 2021, only 14.4 per cent of seats in the Indian parliament were held by women.
“My neighbour’s sister married with a child, praised me for my ability to question and think unconventionally. Encouraged by her acceptance and empathy, I felt special and motivated to pursue my dreams. At 17, I found a place where I felt valued for who I am. I joined the computer classes at Career Connect Centre run by Dream a Dream. I found adults around me who were open to questions and were willing to listen without judging me. They treated me with dignity and empathy; and not as a troublemaker asking too many questions. I started identifying my emotions, recognizing my strengths and dealing with the challenges of life. I wished the world outside the Centre was as empathetic and understanding; but I found a different world outside- harsh, demanding, discriminatory and uncaring. I did not find the same level of comfort and acceptance in college where my teachers were indifferent to my emotions. Equipped with the knowledge gained in the life skills sessions, my friends at college marvelled at the information I had on dealing with issues we all faced. I entertained them with games I learnt at the sessions and shared insights on dealing with difficult life situations. While working at Naz Foundation, I learnt about menstruation, sex, sexuality, body image and identity. My friends did not have access to correct information and they often found themselves unable to deal with difficult personal and social situations.”
In India as per the last census data, the number of women in the reproductive age group (15–49 years) is more than 31 crores. The ability to manage menstruation hygienically is fundamental to the dignity and well-being of every woman. Many Indian homes consider it a taboo to discuss puberty changes leading to the lack of access to correct information for young people. They turn to the internet or their peers for guidance that is often ill-informed. This increases their risk of infection. More than one-third of new cases of HIV/AIDS in India occur in the age group of 15-24 years. As per National Family Health Survey (NHFS 5), only 21.6 per cent of Indian women (age 15-49 years) have comprehensive knowledge of HIV/AIDS.
“From the day I was born, my parents started saving for my marriage. They asked me to marry before my elder brother, as is a custom in my community. I want to change this system. I want to be a role model for girls in my community by building an independent identity. I refuse to marry, as I have big dreams and marriage is not one of them.”
Gender discrimination is a reality for many girls in India who are often raised to marry and become dutiful wives. As per UNICEF’s report of 2021, India is home to the largest number of child brides in the world: 223 million– a third of the global total. While it is illegal for girls under the age of 18 to marry in India, estimates suggest that at least 1.5 million girls under age 18 get married in India each year. Although illegal, dowry practice remains widespread which creates further challenges in lives of girls born in poor families, who are viewed as a burden on the shrinking coffer of family income. India’s daughters feel unwelcome, unwanted, unsafe, unfree and unequal many times during a day and through many crossroads in their life. Despite a government ban on sex-selective foeticide, the practice remains common along with a preference for a male child. As per the Global Gender Gap Report of 2021, China and India together account for about 90 to 95 per cent of the estimated 1.2 million to 1.5 million missing female births annually worldwide due to gender-biased prenatal sex selective practices. Further, India also registers excess female mortality rates (below age 5) due to neglect. As per NFHS-5 data, the prevalence of Anaemia is higher among girls (15-19 years) with a startling 59.1 per cent of women reported to be anaemic as opposed to 31.1 per cent anaemic men.
“I have developed a strong self-belief which prevents me from buckling under pressure. When I decided to work, my parents were in a dilemma of whether to allow me to pursue my dreams. I was not able to communicate my feelings and aspirations to them. I never liked asking my parents for money and I convinced them about my desire to earn a living. My relatives discouraged me saying that once I marry, I will have a full table set in front of me. I told them, I don’t want a table set by others; I want to build my own table.”
Empowered with life skills, Sushmita built her own assertive self and stood up for herself. She has proved that gender inequality, due to pervasive discriminatory institutional practices, can be defeated using logic and action. Young people like her will continue to demand equity, dignity and inclusion for themselves in political, economic and social life. Her story highlights the importance of a caring adult in the life of a young person and it is for us- parents, teachers and community leaders to prepare ourselves for this role. As Sushmitha says, “the best gift parents can give their daughters is not a grand wedding but good education.”
* Sushmita BN is a young changemaker at Change the Narrative (CTN) which is a collaboration of young people to shift community mindset through dialogue and to develop an intersectional lens to define success and thriving.
About the author: Saba Ahmad is a Copy editor, with the Communications team at Dream a Dream